as i open up my heart, i wonder, how many more layers do i have to pull back before i get to the sweet spot? how deep does one dig until they find the honey that attracts the gentlest of bees?
the last 2 years have been brutal. beautiful. aching. expansive. contemplative. destructive. for the sake of seeking out all that is worthy of saving.
the last months have been the darkest, deepest hole i’ve even been in with a rope keeping me from sinking so deep that i forget how to float. i’ve found myself braving the waves that wash over me as if they have the power to cleanse every wound i’ve never tended to or tried to mend.
i found myself facing all the fears that i thought i had already overcome.
not enough to be loved greatly. or loved, really at all.heart-broken. mis-spoken.wounded.because i never really learned to swim.
not really brave enough to speak up or out against the bullies that live inside or surrounding me. challenged. to surrender back to the smallest versions of me.
not really strong enough to show the shitty parts of myself without feeling weak.hidden.hiding.disconnected.blinding.
not.not.not.not.
pause…… please.
do i have permission to speak?
inhale. exhale. release the tension in my pelvis. let my breath flow free free.
i have spent the last months with my therapist gently pulling apart, detangling, freeing the root-bound-words that have been suffocating me. leaning into the pain instead of numbing or running away.
over and over again i wonder - how much more of this before it goes away? or at least until the tension breaks and allows me to expand into the parts of myself that no longer believe, feel, or speak this aching instead of my own name?
i. don’t. know. it may never go away. but. i. know.that it looks-feels-moves-smells-aches-breaks-contemplates-shapes differently than it did before.
i feel stronger. layered. a vibrant-blend-of- bleak.
and that’s all i can is this is the season. winter creeping in. to contract our human containers.force us to slow down, introspect, settle into ourselves.and remember that all we have ever known is the power that will drive us to muffle our voices or raise our chorus and shift the world from within.
these last months i have been practicing stretching my vocal cords to prepare for the season of speaking my mind.
so, let me introduce you to a new song that if you don’t pay attention, you may never hear again.
let me walk you through the season of stillness as resilience.a fight that only those who have been silenced will win.
sensory play:
smell - dandelion root + caramel tea
touch - dry brushing
taste - cardamom, cinnamon baked apples with ghee
sound - towards december
sight - 3 self portraits from 2021 that speak what i’ve learned of expansion + release
words + self portraits by euni
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