the ending of a calendar year is closing in upon us. its cold. rainy. snowy. damp. wet. slow. the mood of the season settles on the surface of my skin and i continue to move my body to try to keep it from seeping in.
i sat with a friend over the weekend and reflected the pace at which change unfolded over the last year. as we do when any moment comes to an end. look back, reflect, reminisce, consider - what could we have done differently. examine, our hand in what may have gone wrong. glow with a fondness for what may have gone better than we imagined possible. and hold silence, space, curiosity for what may be opening up in the days ahead to carve out the steps we will take along a forward path.
it is never easy to let go of the things we’ve invested time into. to fill our hearts with new love when the old lovers are no longer following the footsteps we’re taking. it’s always a dance that needs the grace of learning that will mend the wounded parts of our person, even as the ones surrounding you seem to at times be standing in your way.
someone said to me recently that they have “attitude problems” a funny way of saying you’re feeling and maybe expressing negative things. but what good is the negative if all we do is shame it until it goes away? how does smothering it serve its purpose of helping us shift the frictions that worry our souls into rubbing our troubles away?
this year, i took up space for the darkness that has been buried beneath the surface and that kept me in smallness that left me feeling wounded, broken, unworthy, afraid. this year i allowed grief to pour out of every pore of me and let myself trust fall over and over again into the pits of the pain.
this year, i found a voice that didn’t quite seem like my own to speak truths that i didn’t want to claim as my own. this year, i surrendered to the unknowing of everything that tried to convince me that any part of my existence was less than okay.
in the attitude, the problems, the darkness, the grey. this is where i have found the joys my perfection, people pleasing, and passiveness buried away.
in the tears, speaking up of fears, the opening of my heart, and closing off to the things that rip my spirit apart. this is where i’ve found a light that burns brighter than any spiritual-bypassing-social media worthy-influencer-buy my service and let me heal you-love + light kinds of things.
as i gripped the handle of an overly hot mug of tea and sat face to face with the possibility of new love staring back at me, i breathed in an air that gives me life and exhaled out the fears that told me I should continue to shrink. i told the pieces of my story that i was ready for a stranger to know that left no room for them to find ways to feel sorry for me. spoke of my work, my passion, my self reflection, and the desires i wanted to live out in the moment - leaving space for them to do the same.
and in that moment i found the words that reign truest to the wholeness of my soul. this mission of life’s journey isn’t a process of influencing those around me. it’s simply unfolding the layers of my own life so intricately that those who may take the time to pay close attention might find their own courage to do the same in their own ways alongside me.
words + self portraits by euni
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